Online Instant Loan

So it’s somewhere between midnight and the cock’s crow, and I’m sittin’ in my chili pepper pajamas with a cold pizza and a box of Oreos. My throat is as parched as beef jerky in Tuscon so I inch my tired rear end out of the office chair to grab me a Diet Coke. Thirsty. I need something cold and I need it fast. But, just my luck. Smoke is coming out the back side of the fridge and when I open it I get a whiff of rotten meat that takes me back to the day I was at the landfill and ran into a half-eaten raccoon. “Just great,” I say out loud, staring blankly at the warm sodas, just now realizing that the fridge has been dead for hours now. But the Cokes are the least of my worries. Money. That’s the big issue. I need it fast. Instant, even, and I don’t have the time to go runnin’ around town trying to find some.

So I look at myself and scope out the situation. Suddenly I go from three words: Pajamas, fast, and money to another little three-word dreamland: Online, instant, loan. Yeah, right I tell myself. Like I’m gonna get an online loan in my pajamas off the internet. Then I remind myself—the boss has got me workin’ a double tomorrow and if I don’t get the money by Friday, that means no fridge. And no fridge means eatin’ out, which I just can’t do right now. Tryin’ to cut back on the calories and the cash, if you know what I mean.  So what do I do? Cry myself to sleep and work out how I’m gonna talk my boss into an early paycheck tomorrow? Okay, bigger ‘yeah right.’ So I grab the warm Coke and get cookin’ on the computer.

I start searching, typing. “Online Instant Loan.” Sure enough, me in my sexy pajamas in the privacy of my own abode, I hit success. It isn’t just a dreamland, after all. I’m in business. I start whippin’ through the requirements and it’s startin’ to look easier than my fourth grade PE class. HASSLE FREE AND ONLINE, GET YOUR LOAN INSTANTLY. The computer is talking my language. I take a deep swig of my stale Coke and act like I’m enjoying it. It isn’t going to ruin my night—I won’t let it. So what all do I need? Bank statement? Easy. I open up the filing cabinet by my desk and pull out last month’s statement. I see the low balance in my checking account and let out a sigh of relief when my mind flies back to the online instant loan. It doesn’t matter right now. I’ve got the back-up plan I need to get me to next week when the ol’ boss gets the checks rollin’ and I’m gettin’ the dough I need.

What else do I need? Proof of income? Simple. The envelope from my last paycheck is still sitting on the computer desk and the stub is inside. Perfect. My feet plop up next to the monitor and chew through a soothing bite of my stale pizza—that has magically become just a bit less stale. I read through the contract and see what I gotta do. PAY BACK LOAN WITH FUTURE PAYCHECKS. How easy is that? I get to thinking how much a new fridge is gonna cost me and type in the amount I need into the computer. $800. Slick. I’m loving online instant loans. I fill out my personal information, agree to the contract terms, recheck my budget—just to see when I’ll have this thing paid off—and hit submit. Awesome. Talk about instant. I start thinking about all the stress I went through for a car loan and I laugh. “Car loan—not instant,” I say, grinning. “Online payday loan? Instant.” I put my arms behind my head, sit back, and begin waiting for the money to roll into my checking account.